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Wednesday, August 28th, 2013
10:44 pm - To sleep and not wake

I am beyond tired. There is a time at 3 am when I'm woken by the baby's cry when I want to roll over and go back to sleep. A half hour later when she is asleep in my arms I wish to stretch it out a little longer. But mostly I wish for sleep. Uninterrupted blissful sleep.

That and to understand what decision, what action, what I did or didn't do that has brought me here.

I am the invisible one. Dependable... But invisible. I can be leaned on but when i go to rest the chair is gone. The floor is gone. My friends are gone.

I may open my mouth to speak but the conversation does not stop to let me. Everything moves past me. So I'll go to sleep and hope that I do not wake. Til tomorrow


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Thursday, November 24th, 2011
9:49 pm - Thanksgiving. The death of a friendship

To keep a friendship, I needed to get up and go to church for Thanksgiving service. I didn't go. I woke in time, not early but in time that if I rushed I could have made it. But we drove through the night, arriving at 3 am, and my husband slept so soundly. I couldn't wake him. I couldn't go. Ironically, she was the reason we came in the first place. Now we won't see her at all.

The reason- she doesn't think we should be friends anymore.

The last time she told me this, I cried. She is my oldest friend. For the last twenty years, I've considered her my best friend. I couldn't imagine my life without her. But things change...

She's taken issue with me and my husband over things:
We aren't Christian scientists therefore we don't have the same values.
We flaunt our money while they are struggling to get by even though we gave them several large handouts
We live too far away and it isn't worth being friends

Then of course, we are horrible people because my husband refused to eat in their house because it was filthy. They took offense. We apologized and apologized and apologized. Now 5 years later it is still an issue in our friendship.

I have taken issue with things over the course of our friendship:
We decided to drive home for Xmas together but I found out a day ahead of time that she had bought herself a plane ticket and hadn't told me.
I asked her to be my maid of honor at my wedding, she asked me "why". Made me explain why I valued her friendship.
I told her about my miscarriage and she told me how much she had to pray during her pregnancy and that I just needed to pray some more.

I never thought friendship was about keeping score. It is a back and forth. Sharing. I tell you something and you respond. You share something and then I respond. I help you up and when I fall you reach a hand to pull me to my feet. Sometimes, issues run longer for one side than the other. Sometimes issues one party struggles with, the other doesn't. The value of friendship lies in the ability to bring compassion and different perspectives to an issue. If you are just like me, then one of us in unnecessary!

I know how she treats her family. If they differ from her, if they don't act the way she thinks they should act, she cuts them from her life. A surgical operation to eliminate. Purge those that do not conform. Her mother wants to drop by unannounced- shun her. Her father gets remarried, how dare he, shun him. My friends question why I eloped, shun them. I feel like I am one more casualty. I do not fit the mold. I fought in the past to prove my value. To prove that friendship was worthwhile, I cannot be the only one fighting.

So in the spirit of thanksgiving...thank you for twenty years of friendship and support. Thank you for good memories. Thank you for laughter. Thank you for sleep overs, camping trips, spring breaks, and girl talk. I will always be thankful for having known you for so long ,I wish you a happy, healthy life filled with blessings. All my love.

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Thursday, November 17th, 2011
6:38 pm - Push me around

So work is complicated right now. Made more difficult by the fact that I gave my notice. Said I'd stay until the end of the year and no longer. Then complications increased 10 fold when I let myself be talked into staying. Not because I want to stay but because there is this incessant buzz. . .

We need a new car
Our sewage pipe collapsed
Christmas is coming
The economy is bad
Our business isn't ready yet
I like my boss
I feel bad he's in a slump
And so on

So I made a decision that is not brave. It is not what I want. I try to play it off like it is in the best interest of my family, but really I am just scared.
I'm supposed to believe that god takes care of the birds and the smallest creatures, why would he not care for me? Isn't it obvious. I will not let him.

When will I be brave again? Or was I never brave?

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Wednesday, November 16th, 2011
10:17 pm - Letters

Ever pick a book off the shelf at the library, look at the cover and take it home? Cliche, right? We aren't supposed to make snap judgements. Aren't supposed Togo by instinct. Yet ever since I was small I had this faith that books we're put in my path for a reason. They appeared at just the right time to impart wisdom, act as a mirror or entertain.

As a senior in high school, I was so sick I couldn't play volleyball. My balance was messed up and because I couldn't play my mom was upset because she couldn't stand on the football field and get handed a flower. I was emotional and raw over fighting her. I was depressed and sick. My boyfriend called when I was in the bath and my mom brought me the phone I told him I didn't feel well, didn't know what to do and hung up. I lay in the water a long time and soon my mom came in again carrying a book. My boyfriend had dropped it off. I dried my hands and opened the front cover and found a sticky note with the word "Smile". The book was just what I needed. The Peaceful Warrior. (don't judge!)

When I was going through my religious questioning phase, I found I could open the bible to any page, point my finger and the answer would be revealed.

One more: I'd always been told about the unbearable lightness of being. Bought a copy and had it sitting on the shelf for the longest time. I always meant to read it. Wanted to read it. Even when I opened the cover, I couldn't read it. Until, the days boy left me bawling in the rain in his driveway. Suddenly, the book opened to me and in it I could find what I needed.

Tonight, I found Letters". Advice from a grandpa to his granddaughter, to Emily. It reminded me so much of my journal to my baby. I started it the moment I found out I was pregnant. I started collecting advice, telling her stories, sharing what I knew of the world. I may not write much here anymore or tell the stories I know I should write. But here was an audience far more precious. Here was something worth writing for. . .

Until there wasn't anymore. I ended up in the hospital the morning after the work Christmas party. Bleeding. They are planning the party again. It will be held at the same place as last year. Almost to the day. The last time I wrote her I told her I was sorry for heaping so much on her. It isn't in the pregnancy books- how many hopes you can pin to one child. They don't warn you. They just tell you that it happens. That it is common.

They say giving birth will hurt. This hurts much more.

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Friday, April 15th, 2011
8:23 pm

To walk, to jump, to fly. He don't know me. Can't see capable through his crazy. So let's negotiate. Devil in the details. You'll find a reason it can't and won't. Build piles tall of reasons, strong and sturdy. I can climb. Hand above heart, I'll rise. Shred disbelief and move forward.

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Sunday, March 6th, 2011
8:37 am - Century

"We biked 22 miles yesterday. We followed the Mount Vernon trail all the way to Roslynn and back. Michael invited the Chief to go with us. She road my mountain bike but even so she was able to keep up. She was even ahead of us some of the ride. We are in training to do the ride for the cure, which is 100 miles. A century ride for Diabetes.

Turns out the Chief's husband works for the diabetes foundation. Strange coincidence. Next week 30 mile ride at least.

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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
9:08 pm - Sleep

We were supposed to go to Spanish class tonight. It was something we were going to do together. To have a common interest. A common activity to share. Only he just wants to sleep.

He slept all day Saturday. He slept all day today.

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Monday, February 28th, 2011
11:17 pm - Home Study
So my husband and I went to visit the lady who is doing our Home Study tonight. I think everything went well but the biggest issue is that we now have to choose between adoption and continuing to try to have a biological child. I never realized that to do one you had to give up on the other. Legally, in order for us to continue with the adoption process, we have to stop fertility treatments. We have to basically say we have given up on it or some such similar wording.

If that were the case, if we had exhausted every option, then of course you sign the piece of paper and along you go. But we haven't exhausted every option. We haven't done IVF. When I lost the baby that was Michael's first response. We'll try again.

We'll try again is an easy response when you aren't actively involved in taking the drugs that make you physically sick. Easy when you don't have to take the pills three times a day and give yourself shots. Easy when you can distance yourself first from the pregnancy and then from the miscarriage. You don't need to be in the hospital all day. You don't have to get your hopes up every month, only to bleed. It is heartbreaking. It is draining. It takes hope and makes it an enemy.

When Michael was depressed the other week, he told me that he should divorce me. Not an unusual statement when he's in that frame of mind but he said that I would probably have children were I with someone else. He hates sex. He was willing to do it on the doctor mandated days in order to try to have children. But sometimes even the two times was too much for him. Now they are telling us we need to have sex every other day for 10 days. I just laugh. I can't even get him to touch me, a hug, a kiss, hold my hand, every other day. So now he has planted this seed in my mind and I resent him a little. I resent him having a say when he doesn't have to go through any of it. I resent him for having a say when he won't work at it.

Even tonight coming back from the agency, he won't bother to share his opinion. He was silent the entire way home. I told him I wanted to talk about it, to hear his initial thoughts. He wouldn't talk about it. He wouldn't even mutter one word. He came home and went in his bedroom, put his stupid sleep apnea mask and went to sleep. I shouldn't be surprised. When faced with any decision,he'd rather sleep his way through it. To him it is the best way to avoid life.

So how do you choose? How do you decide? How do you stop hoping for something you want so badly?

current mood: distressed
Tuesday, May 4th, 2010
10:20 pm - 5k run

I'm not a runner. But when a friend invited me to run a 5 k with her I agreed. Of course I haven't really ran since my stress fracture. Plus I've never ran a 5 k but I seemed to like the idea in theory.

So tonight Michael and I headed to Lowell to run. With traffic we were running late and we were still walking up to the starting area when they started the women's group. So I started a minute or two behind everyone.

They started the guys 2 minutes after the girls. I about got trampled. I never found my friend and my husband passed me within the first 5 minutes.

But I pretty much ran the entire thing. I walked twice but I limited myself to 5 steps and start running again. Don't be fooled. I was one of the last runners and most people can walk faster than I can run. Still it is my first race since high school and my first 5k. I finished in 41 minutes.

Yeah me!

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Saturday, April 24th, 2010
9:57 pm - Home again, gone again

Seems the moment I arrive is the moment I need to think about leaving again. Today it makes me wonder how quickly I slip between worlds. It's like sliding between the sheets at night. So simple an action to transport me to another world.

How easily a hotel room can feel like home and home can feel foreign. I like the little shampoos, conditioners and how the towels are always off the floor when I return home at night. Whereas four baskets of laundry wait on the coffee table for me at home.

Returning to the hotel at night, there is always someone there to greet me. Here my husband no longer picks me up from the airport or waits up until I get home. More often than not, he is asleep in the basement, even if get home mid- afternoon.

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Monday, March 29th, 2010
8:09 pm - Bleed

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Thursday, January 28th, 2010
7:22 pm - The Happiness Project

We begin things with a certain expectation in mind. It makes sense. We believe in the value of a given activity because we believe in the outcome. We sit at a piano for the feelings evoked in the melody. Or we pursue a certain career for money or a sense of achievement.


So therefore it makes sense that if the activity did not deliver the desired outcome, one would eventually stop the activity. It follows a logical pattern.

But happiness seems somewhat elusive. An activity I once enjoyed can now be wrought with strife. Not the activity exactly but the associations formed. So following the above logic, it would be logical to cease the activity. Only will that remove an avenue to happiness?

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Wednesday, January 27th, 2010
10:27 pm - Spectors

Tonight I discovered I am running out of men I loved in the past, that might still hold a spark, a flame for me. I never knew I held such a thought. But all my old possibilities are married, or divorced, fathers or seriously committed.

Don't get me wrong. I'm married and not looking. I just thought there would be someone from my past who never recovered from adoring me. Someone, who if they received their sole wish, would sit across from me and tell me how much they always liked me and respected me. How much they wished they had spoken up, had declared themselves and tossed their hat into the ring.

I have my person. The one who always feels like the one. The one I couldn't hold on to. I just wanted to know that I am not the only one haunted.

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Sunday, August 30th, 2009
10:15 pm - Raising rabbits

The neighbor kids discovered I have a rabbit and a hammock in the backyard. To them, these two things make my house somehow magical. For hours today they would ring my doorbell and ask if they could pet the rabbit or play on the hammock.

Then dinnertime came and the kids scattered back to their houses. The dads lit the grills, the moms arranged the tables so everyone could eat outside. It's the last days of summer. After dinner, a mom taught her daughter how to ride a red wagon down my hill. The dads played frisbee and baseball in our back field. A couple kids pulled the ripe tomatoes from the vine.

I wish I could be a mother. To fill this house with little feet and little laughs. I know I should be grateful for what I have. For all that I have. Still I ache. Why are we allowed to want things we can't have?

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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
10:12 pm - Puzzle pieces

I've spent the last few evenings piecing together tiles to make votives. You take square glass tiles and break them with a hammer, each piece breaking into 4 or 5 fragments. Each fragment shaped differently, jagged edges, splintered.

Then slowly, piece by piece, you glue each shard to the glass. Matching each to the curve of the votive. Laying shards edge to edge. A pattern emerges, a picture takes shape.

When all is pieced, when grout has dried, when the candle is lit, the light shines through.

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Saturday, June 27th, 2009
7:26 am - To sleep

My husband does not sleep. He screams, he kicks, he thrashed. Over 2 years I have learned it is best if we don't sleep in the same bed. We should actually be as far apart as we can in our small apartment. In that way, we can both sleep and not be cranky the next day.

Still sometimes I will be sleeping on the pull out couch in my office and he will come down and sleep on the other couch. Then he will proceed with his antics- talking, threatening and pretending to fire guns. So that is what I woke to this morning at 5 am. I woke to michael killing bad guys. Now I can't get back to sleep. I can't wake him. And I'm cranky.

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Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
9:40 pm - A certain glow
My trainer kept telling me tonight that I had a glow about me. He repeated it over and over. I look in the mirror and I see the usual. A bit overweight but the same me more or less. It isn't a particularly good hair day. I'm not beaming with an after glow from a lusty morning. I am just at the gym trying to work out and lose 10 pounds by this fall.

But there is a part of me that jumps the track. That thinks instantly of pregnancy tests and the certain glow that goes along with the second blue line. This thought is one I push back. I don't dare utter it or think it.

I fall in love with the ideas of things. Looking at houses, I'll see a garden laid out the way I would have done it. Flowers and an outdoor living space. I fall in love with it. I want it. I imagine a whole life in the confines of the garden. We call to find out more information. We stand on tiptoes to peek in the windows. But the place has already sold. It was gone 10 hours after it was listed. I am crushed. Someone else will live my life in their garden.

This is the way things go for me. If I allow myself to dream of possibly having the things I most want. ... Well, if I allow that, if I believe it might be possible, if I set my heart on a thing and I find out it is not possible then I sink. I find that dark place and I stay there awhile.

So for someone to tell me I glow. I want it to be true. I want it more than anything. But I will only confess it here so you can help me through the heartache later.

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Monday, June 22nd, 2009
10:21 pm - Dreams
Last night I fell into a dream. A man, my love and I were struggling in a new land. We were working and building a house. Planing boards, notching timber, cutting out a space in the wilderness. The land was open. The kind of place where prairie grasses ripple in the breeze. Oceans of grass for miles. I knew all this. But I knew this without really seeing.

We sat together around a campfire. Finishing up a last cup of coffee before turning in. We didn't speak. We moved around each other, knowing we shared a space. Knowing we'd said enough. Allowing the other to keep their own thoughts for awhile. Then, in that moment, a train pulled up. Such a long structure. There were no cars, just a building that went on as far as the eye could see. But it must be a train! How else could it appear? It was not here in the daylight.

We rose then to stare at this thing. This behemoth blocking the horizon. We stepped toward it. In the space of that step, we triggered that attack. A man rush at my man with a sword, plunging forward out of the darkness. He thrust and parried. You seemed so calm, standing unarmed. In one lunge, you disarmed him. Grappling the sword from his hands. The man,stunned, whistled and a black mare appeared. The man flung himself up on the bare back of the animal and galloped off. We ran,you and I. We ran after him. Wanting to see where he had come from and to make sure he did not come back. We somehow kept him in view. We saw the open door in the train then. Saw the man barreling toward it. We saw the horse burst into flames. The man fell from his back, screaming and writhing. We watched him until he died. Unable to help.

My love grabbed the horse then. Swung easily onto his back and pulled me up behind him. I felt the warmth of him, the residual heat of the animal. I shivered. We headed through the door of the train. On the other side a great bazaar opened before us. The heat of midday rising off the pavement. The bartering of the market.

I woke then. Started out of the dream and into the dark here in my bed. Why wake there? What was more startling there in the bazaar. Would not the burning flesh have startled me more?

I will never understand dreams. I will always feel bad that it is never my husband.

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Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
8:41 pm - to walk
We come to this place, a fleeting whisper guiding us to things familiar. We stop, pluck a soft petaled thorn, lick the blood from our palms and call it wounded adoration. I've been here before. I've looked for you in every passing moment, every face, every car, everywhere. I've looked into the mist, let it tangle around my legs and hold me cold and straining. You called for me before, cried out for me, searched for me. I had already been pulled under, tossed back. The timing of such storms has never been predictable.

If I could but walk with you again. Inhale the earth, the weeds, the rain of you. What would I find? Not the gentle patter of peace but the deep thirst of parched ground. The violent rending of earth torn and pushed apart. Two forces in opposition.

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Thursday, June 11th, 2009
8:24 pm - Noble pursuits
I am reading a book about a woman who started a school for children along time ago. She is a strong woman, smart and committed. While I am reading I can't help but feel like I should have a cause. That I should have a noble pursuit. What it would be I have no clue. Not that there aren't plenty of causes- whales, owls, aids, starving children. But none of them call out or are marked with my name leaving me to wonder my whole purpose.

My foot aches.

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