Coyote Moon (coyote_moon) wrote,
Coyote Moon
coyote_moon

A certain glow

My trainer kept telling me tonight that I had a glow about me. He repeated it over and over. I look in the mirror and I see the usual. A bit overweight but the same me more or less. It isn't a particularly good hair day. I'm not beaming with an after glow from a lusty morning. I am just at the gym trying to work out and lose 10 pounds by this fall.

But there is a part of me that jumps the track. That thinks instantly of pregnancy tests and the certain glow that goes along with the second blue line. This thought is one I push back. I don't dare utter it or think it.

I fall in love with the ideas of things. Looking at houses, I'll see a garden laid out the way I would have done it. Flowers and an outdoor living space. I fall in love with it. I want it. I imagine a whole life in the confines of the garden. We call to find out more information. We stand on tiptoes to peek in the windows. But the place has already sold. It was gone 10 hours after it was listed. I am crushed. Someone else will live my life in their garden.

This is the way things go for me. If I allow myself to dream of possibly having the things I most want. ... Well, if I allow that, if I believe it might be possible, if I set my heart on a thing and I find out it is not possible then I sink. I find that dark place and I stay there awhile.

So for someone to tell me I glow. I want it to be true. I want it more than anything. But I will only confess it here so you can help me through the heartache later.
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